Friday, February 24, 2017

Why "Puppet Steve" Fails as a Kid's Show

You guys realize that this is a hobby right? I don't keep up with this full time.
I know I haven't done highlights for the first half of February, but since February is a short month, I'll just do the entire thing in one post. Especially as a bunch of videos are "Steve" at ToyFair 2017 and have very little to bring up. I will mention that Chris screwed up and showed his real hand in one of them. Probably would have gotten weird looks if he wore the felt gloves.

To hold you over, I'm going to respond to one piece of criticism I've been getting. "Puppet Steve is for kids, it doesn't have to be good, and is above your mocking".
No. Hell no.
The idea that something intended for kids doesn't have to be good is a disgusting mindset used by cynical assholes and greedy fat cats that think children will watch any crap you just throw on the screen. Children deserve better, and there is far better out there.

Puppet Steve is absolutely toxic to children. Here are some reasons why.

Pandering

This is where most kid's media fails, by pandering to the lowest common denominator. Fart jokes, poop jokes, bad puns, references, instead of trying to craft a narrative with well-written characters and conflicts. You can have the above sure, but don't let them take precedent.
"Puppet Steve" is nothing but pandering, but of a different kind. "Look at the toys! Look at my toys! I have toys! TOYS TOYS TOYS! Kids love toys! Love me kids! LOVE MEEEEEE and give me money!" He condescends to a child's love of toys in order to keep their attention. It's shameless and more parents should notice this.
The references only make things more annoying, especially when he references media that his uber-young audience has no idea about!
Unsurprisingly, Chris adores clickbait. Putting in subjects that have nothing to do with the video in the vain hopes of getting higher in searches. Like putting Lego in the title of a toy that isn't Lego. One bad example is when he looks at a Batman: Arkham City themed Harley Quinn statue, but he puts Suicide Squad in the title because "it's popular and will make me money".

Repetitive Flood of One Subject

Much like when Irate Gamer got a small boost in views with Skylanders and flooded the channel with related videos (and likely sped-up its death), Puppet Steve got a small boost in views when looking at Five Nights at Freddy's and now the majority of his videos are related to the haunted animatronics because "money money money". This will bite him when FNAF is no longer a hot property. But the overabundance of FNAF does hurt the channel when he also showcases other toys. He could expand on those but NOPE MORE FNAF GOTTA HAVE MORE FREDDY.

Now I am aware there are toy channels that specialize in one genre, like Transformers and Tokusatsu (Kamen Rider & Super Sentai/Power Rangers). However, those toys offer far more variety and value than the boring plastic FNAF figures Chris is always flaunting. That and those channels do something that Puppet Steve NEVER does.

Not a Real Review Show

Chris never actually reviews the toys he looks at. He'll briefly show something, but instead of going into detail he'll just tell a joke and move on. That's not how you review something.
The above mentioned Transformers and Toku toy channels actually go into detail, describe the positives and negatives, the toy quality, the ways to use it, if it's a good deal or price. Chris never goes into any of this. The most he'll say is "cool". I know that most of the toys he looks at are boring plastic figures with no articulation, but that turns around to another problem, Chris is limiting himself. There's plenty of entertaining toys to make reviews about, instead Chris just opts to do lazy "joke" showcases. He shouldn't call what he does a "review show", but a "showcase". "Hey kids, today I'm going to showcase this toy. Isn't it cool Zombie Steve?" Just throw away all pretense that this is a review.

Incapable of Taking Criticism

If you ever venture into the Puppet Steve comments, you might notice something among all the poorly spelled gibberish from 6 year olds. There's no negativity. "Perhaps he's just that good" No, this is YouTube, people will be negative about anything. Instead, Chris just hides every negative comment and pretends everything is perfect and happy. Amazing how after 10 years, Chris still can't take criticism.

Puppet Steve is Not a Good Role Model

To the parents hopefully reading this, your kids should not follow how Puppet Steve acts. He's insanely egocentric, but keeps trying to pretend he's a good guy. He isn't, he yells at his friends, he acts like a bully towards "Puppet Alex", he constantly has to stroke his own ego with the few times he does discuss Minecraft toys, it's all extremely annoying and makes him unlikable and unwatchable.

This wouldn't be the first time. Back on Irate Gamer, he was lauded as a hero and a chosen one, but he was extremely insensitive, rude and violent. Yet we were supposed to root for him because... reasons. He commits more evil than the actual "Evil Gamer". Oh god I hope we don't get an "Evil Steve".

There's No Actual Minecraft in "Minecraft Puppet Steve"

At the beginning, Chris wanted to make this the "Marty and Muffin" show. Same premise of toy non-reviews but with original characters. When that didn't catch on in an instant (seriously, only two videos) he looked up what's popular and decided "Minecraft". Hence, Minecraft Puppet Steve. However, the only reason is brand recognition and not actually playing the game. Yeah, there's no Minecraft gameplay on his channel. I don't think he's even played the game. I recall back in 2013, on his site he wrote a post about the South Park episode "Informative Murder Porn" where all the adults try to learn Minecraft after the kids blocked the "IMP" channels with a Minecraft related password, and in it Chris said "I never understood it".

And it's clear that even now, he still hasn't bothered to play it. In the videos where talks about Minecraft toys he makes mistakes. Like calling "The End" the "Enderzone" or that the Enderdragon breathes fire (it doesn't). This only showcases how completely cynical and soulless this whole show is, he just attached himself to a popular thing and trying to ride the train as long as he can before people get sick of it and he cries into his ghosts before going into another trend. You need to stop chasing trends Chris, find what you want.
Speaking of cynical...

Cynical, Lazy, and Insulting to Kids

I feel this is Puppet Steve's biggest crime. Chris does not want to entertain kids, he just wants money. He wants to put the least amount of effort in possible for maximum profit. He hated doing Irate Gamer because he had it be an effects showcase, and that's what his fans expected. With Puppet Steve, he barely has to put in effects, and if he does they're really basic ones like copying an image or green screen.
This connects to the above, how he'll do the bare minimum and hope for money. Chris doesn't understand that he needs to work harder, as eventually he'll lose his audience, just like he did with Irate Gamer. History can repeat if you don't learn from it. Being lazy and soulless like this is only going to drive people away.
You can deliver an entertaining product for kids, you need talent. Chris lacks that, and we know he lacks that, and I guarantee that when those children get older, they'll look back and realize "Wow, this is shit". It happened with Irate Gamer, and it will happen here. Side-note: Any other former IG fans want to provide testimonials? I'll be happy to share them.
Chris' lack of care is evident in every video. There is no passion. Chris doesn't know anything about the toys he's showcasing. It's evident when it took him like 30 videos to get Chica's gender right. Puppet Steve is nothing more than a product to throw at kids while ad revenue rolls in and he doesn't have to put in any effort. Pretty sure he copypastes his scripts too. You haven't earned a damn thing Chris, and I hope you realize that.

On another note, to any parents possibly reading, I should warn you that Chris Bores is a Pizzagate believer and possibly believes in other conspiracy theories. He listens to Alex Jones and he believes in ghosts. His attempt at conning people with his book Ghost Hunting 2.0 completely failed. I don't think you want your kids listening to a man that unironically believes in the guy that screams about chemicals turning the frogs gay.
Just keep an eye on what your kids are watching, they're the future.

Tuesday, February 7, 2017

Puppet Steve "Highlights" January 16-31 (plus Chris' 7th IG Retirement)

Sorry for the late posting everyone, I’ve been busy. The days just get away from me.

Before we get to the “highlights”, there’s something major to address. Chris has since changed the CB Network description to say that Irate Gamer is now retired. Basically saying “thank you for the 9 years, and the haters too”. No video, no explanation, just a lazy “it’s over, go away” channel description. … And I don’t buy it.

See, Chris recently posted another shilling video, for some crappy mobile game called “Best Fiends Forever” where you just tap the screen a lot. He mentions some event that will happen in February, but the text on screen says “event ends January 23rd”. Five days before he posted the video. Smoooooth.
Now what’s weird is that despite being “retired”, his posters are still up. You’d think if he was truly done, he would take those down since he only has them for “Irate Gamer”. Not only that but all his games are still there behind him. Put them in storage or sell them off. Chris has done this before, where he cries retirement but then comes back. Probably trying to pull “no don’t go we still love you”. He’s really bad at hiding it. Of course we don’t know for sure if fans want that since the latest video disabled comments and ratings. Pretty sure your sponsors don’t like that.

If you really really REALLY are done Chris, make a video. Explain why. Tell the fans the truth, they deserve it. Stop being a coward for once in your life.

Now then, here’s the “highlights” for the second half of January on Puppet Steve. Eight videos.

Minecraft Wild Animal Pack Action Figure Jazwares Set Unboxing - Puppet Steve

- Chris really should use a different puppet if he’s barely going to talk about Minecraft.
- Zombie Steve can’t pronounce “animal” properly. Saying “aminals”. How old is he again?
- “This all new animal wild pack brings us all new animals” I DIDN’T KNOW THAT!
- His idea of the sheep “dancing” is to push it up and down. Laaame.
- “Black fur” It’s called wool! How dumb are you?
- Not even the end of the video and we already have a Zombie Steve tries to eat a toy “joke”. Who finds this funny?
- He claims the ocelot is the same as last time. It’s not, the new one has darker spots. It’s noticeable in the side view. Are you color blind Chris?
- And another eating toys joke? God damn it
- “Hostile Woof”
- Ah yeah, great features like a tail and legs that barely move. What fun!
- Dumb bit where the wolf does tricks. Uggggh.
- Actually that’s a Mooshroom, not a “Mushroom Cow”. Chris continues to show how little he knows about Minecraft.
- Awful bit where ZS and Steve are action figures instead of puppets. What’s the point?
- “He has a tail with a butt! Heh heh, butt” …………. Are you 2? I know the age gets lower every time, but… my god.
- It snows… indoors. Because ZS turned down the thermostat. … No.
- See this is why he fails as a reviewer. Any other reviewer worth their salt would bring up how the head and legs barely move at all and doesn’t make for a good toy. Chris is too much of a whore to care.

Five Nights at Freddy's Series 3 McFarlane Toys Parts and Services Playset Construction set Fnaf

- Well the FNAF crap didn’t take long. At least it’s a short video.
- Wonder if he’s going to brag about being one of the top channels that covers McFarlane Toys’ FNAF sets.
- Oh what the fuck, this isn’t even about a toy he has. This is about a toy that’s coming out.
- How can you even compare sizes when you only have a picture?!
- Dumb false jump scare from ZS
- Dumb bits involving multiple Foxy’s and Freddy’s. For some reason one of the Foxy’s call the FIVE Freddy’s “losers” because Chris doesn’t know how words work.
- Do his fans care for previews? Seriously?

SING illumination Movie Exclusive Action Figures Unboxing Review 2016 Puppet Steve

- Oh yay, crap from Illumination. Burn the Minions. Yes I know this is different but still, burn the Minions.
- So apparently Chris went to Universal Studios Florida. Where are you getting the money? Not only for toys but trips to Florida with your family that consist of your wife (?) and her two kids? That’s not cheap! Was it more ghost shit?
- It’s an exclusive toy, and Steve outright explains what “exclusive” means. I’m sure even the five year olds watching already know what that means!
- Buster Moon is holding a $100k contract. Steve demands ZS to sing so they can win. … It’s not real!
- ZS does the lamest rendition of Ghostbusters ever. Sounds nothing like it, and I know Chris wasn’t try to avoid copyright since he uses the theme ALL THE DAMN TIME!
- “That was terrible” So was your impression Chris, that sounded nothing like Matthew McConaughey. Not alright alright alright
- “I have to give that one 3 Poop Emojis” … How do you do fellow kids!
- Pointless singing bit with Ash who is voiced by ScarJo but sounds nothing like her. Sounds more like a chipmunk than a porcupine.
- Another pointless singing bit with Meena who is voiced by Tori Kelly, though looking at the movie’s official soundtrack, she doesn’t sing Shake It Off like in this video. I get the feeling Chris didn’t bother to research.
- Ends on Johnny, a gorilla voiced by Taron Egerton from Kingsmen. Chris makes him sing like a woman. … DUMB!

Five Nights at Freddy's Fnaf VS. NewIsland Lego Police Unboxing review

- *looks at title* … What?
- We got some knock-off Lego that you can probably find at a dollar store. Why is this a video?
- Did Chris make these names up? They’re absolutely retarded. Penelope von Worcestershire Sauce? What the fuck?
- Oh and a Minecraft figure of Steve tries to “hit on her”. I think…
-  These not-Lego vehicles look like crap
- Stupid stop-motion bit. … Is this the only reason this video was made? To have you “ride a motorcycle”?
- A police go-kart? What kind of crap is this?
- Then a zombie figure that’s meant to be Zombie Steve drives away with it.
- But then FNAF figures out of nowhere. Why? Because click bait and Chris knows these knock-off Lego would not make a popular video alone.
- And then a bunch of skits where the FNAF mascots steal vehicles. WHERE IS THE JOKE?! This is beyond retarded I mean wow.
- *slams head against wall* What was the point of this?!

MInecraft Mini Figures Playsets Series 1 Cave Biome Collection Playsets Unboxing Puppet Steve Show

- More stupid contests for FNAF garbage
- “Each one of these figures is super cute and cuddly” They’re plastic! Plastic is not cuddly! Do you even know what that word means?! They’re also waaaay too small.
- Looks at a playset called Mining Mountain “Let’s mine into this one. A HEH HEH” Steve’s laugh is starting to give me DSP vibes…
- “Grassy parts, mountain parts” Top notch reviewing!
- Ugh, dumb bit with spiders…
- “Check out this cool playset. It has lava, cool!” STOP SAYING COOL!
- “Arrows in my head” They aren’t in his head Chris.
- So he pushes the zombie mini-figure into lava, and adds custom fire to him. That seems like a lot of wasted effort Chris. Do you understand priorities?
- The third playset comes with a Creeper, which eventually results in Steve insulting them and getting blown up. Do Minecraft kids think getting blown up by a Creeper is a good joke EVERY TIME? Then again, I did see that awful Minecraft joke book where every punch line was either “he was blown up” or “what do you think happened”. Someone wrote that. I wonder if that’s where Chris got the inspiration for Minecraft “jokes”
- The final playset is called Waterfall Wonder and he says “I wonder what this one is about”. YOU’RE NOT FUNNY AND NOBODY ABOVE SEVEN LIKES YOU!
- The Alex figure reveals the waterfall … and the “Got an Item” jingle from Zelda plays. Good lord even here he can’t get his franchises right!
- “What is this, an episode of Indiana Jones or what?” Episode? Indiana Jones is a series of movies, they’re not episodes. Yeah there’s The Young Indiana Jones Chronicles but I don’t think that’s what he was going for.

PowerPuff Girls Laboratory Flip To Action Playset & Figures Packs Professor, Blossom Unboxing

- Oh no, toys from the awful reboot.
- Alex tackles Steve offscreen. Thank you.
- “Their girl’s toys” … I guess? I mean, the original show was enjoyed by everyone and I think that’s what they wanted with this reboot too. Then again, I don’t know what they wanted.
- When Alex points out there’s a toy box, Steve claims it looks like a toilet. Why does Steve keep bringing up toilets when Alex reviews stuff? It’s almost as bad as the AVGN and his toilet humor. Does Chris think that all girls hate toilet humor?
- Zombie Pigman? What?
- Steve thinks Utonium got Chemical X from Professor X of the X-Men. … He’s not that kind of professor Chris. Your jokes are not funny!
- Also his Utonium impression sucks.
- Why does Blossom come with a stuffed dinosaur? Must be something in the reboot.
- “Stuffed animal she has is a rubber ducky” Rubber duckys aren’t stuffed animals.
- ASDOFIlj;aedfijkasdlkjrtkl;aetj;klq34j; 6klkl;jst Sorry, there’s a retarded bit where Steve wants the PPG’s to work with Professor X to become the “X-Girls” so they can fight the X-Men. Afkkjladrtgsdfkl;kl;jsdfhjkl;se5gtk,kgkl’szegkl;sdfgkl;sdfgkl;arf
- “That is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard” Tiny bit of respect gained back for Alex.
- Chris, making Steve annoying isn’t endearing, it’s painful.

Minecraft LEGO The Iron Golem Set 2017 Building Toy 21123 Unboxing Review Puppet Steve

- I still think Minecraft Lego is redundant.
- No Puppet Magic to put it together? Good, hopefully Chris realized that was idiotic.
- “We got grass, mountains” TOP NOTCH REVIEWING
- “Weird looking cave thing” What makes it weird?
- “Some flowers. SNIFF SNIFF” … Really? You couldn’t actually make the sound of sniffing? You had to outright say “sniff sniff”? How dumb do you think your audience is?
- Dumb bit involving a Snow Golem puppet. The Snow Golem is a thing in Minecraft.
- Steve is mad because the set doesn’t come with him. Not everything is about your stupid character Chris.
- “Lego bacon. A-heh-heh” No.
- The stop-motion seems lazier here than in previous videos.

LEGO Dimensions 1980's Gremlins, ET, A-Team, Mr. T, Harry Potter Themed Sets Unboxing Voldemort,

- Last video… and it’s Lego Dimensions. I can do this!
- Sets based on franchises from the 80’s. Wow, stuff that came LOOOOOOOONG before your target audience was born. Your stupid 80’s boner is showing Chris.
- Oh and Steve & ZS are wearing stupid 80’s glasses.
- “So many” … There’s four sets.
- “Gremlins? I remember that movie” Chris is probably stoned on “member berries” on a daily basis.
- Gizmo has old 3D glasses on his base, and Steve tries to see him in 3D. … Dumb. They’re there because Gizmo wore those in the movie.
- Gizmo comes with a cookie, causing Zombie Steve to eat him. Woooooow that totally isn’t ripping off a much better puppet show. God, you can not be original at all can you Chris?
- E.T. comes with a flower… SO THAT MEANS A PLANTS VS ZOMBIES REFERNCE HUR HUR HUR HUR HUR HUR HUR HUR HUR HUR HUR HUR HUR HUR HUR HUR HUR HUR HUR HUR HUR fuck you Chris.
- E.T. phones for pizza instead of home. … This feels like a rejected Family Guy bit.
- Next he looks at the A-Team set. “Oh man, gotta love that show” Your audience is five! They don’t know what that is!
- “Mr. T himself” No, that’s the character he played on The A-Team, B.A. Baracus. While there are occasional references to the actor, that’s meant to be the character in the show. In fact, there was a recent video posted to introduce Knight Rider into the game where KITT refers to him as “Mr. Baracus”.
- “Comes with the iconic A-Team bus” That’s a van you idiot! Way too small to be a bus! Also after he calls it iconic, he says “so iconic”. Stop with the redundancy.
- He’s looking at Harry Potter. Which didn’t come out the 80’s. He acknowledges it didn’t so why is he covering it? Also, Harry Potter came out in the 90’s with the first book out in 1997, the first movie wasn’t until 2001. Then again, this set is based on the movie so … I’ll let that part slide.
- You know, he could have waited until Knight Rider and The Goonies sets came out.
- He gave Harry Potter a high-pitched chipmunk voice. WHY?
- “The Harry Potter car” That’s Arthur Weasley’s flying car from Chamber of Secrets.
- Then a bit where Voldemort is run over by the Hogwarts Express
- “All the new Lego Dimensions sets” Nope. No Mission Impossible or Sonic the Hedgehog.
- Video ends with Zombie Steve donning Jason Vorhees’ hockey mask. No Chris, they’re not going to put Friday the 13th in Lego Dimensions, the idea is family friendly franchises. Friday the 13th is the opposite of family friendly.

That’s the rest of January. So far February will bring more TMNT, more Minecraft and more fucking FNAF.

Also it seems Chris has deleted all the Box Wars videos. I guess even he realized that was a terrible idea. So much useless crap.

Friday, January 20, 2017

Ben Phillips Presents "Opening Up: An Irate Gamer Documentary"

Long-time fan of the blog Ben Phllips, who has contributed in the past by providing the rules for GameTrailer's OutNerd the Nerd contest, has created a video dissecting Chris' infamous "Opening Up" video.



Here you can see Ben point out the many inconsistencies in Chris' story with evidence to back it up.

Enjoy!

Monday, January 16, 2017

Puppet Steve "Highlights" January 1-15

The “CB Network” is dead again. Seems Chris isn’t getting paid to look at shitty products right now.
What about your Christmas ghost hunt? Have a video about that or did nothing happen like EVERY GHOST HUNT EVER?
His Facebook pages are dead too, nothing since a Merry Christmas message. Which he ends with “Game On”. So are you abandoning the Irate Gamer or not?! You can’t keep using terminology if you want to end it!

Soooo realizing this, here’s the highlights of all the Puppet Steve videos posted this year (so far). 7 videos, I imagine they’re mostly the same.
I wanted this get this out in the last couple days but time got away from me. Sorry about that.

GhostBusters Diamond Select Toys Action Figures Series 1 & 2 Movie Unboxing (Ray, Peter, Egon

- Surprisingly the first video of the year wasn’t FNAF related, but it is Chris’ other obsession. Someone really needs to tell him that he’ll never be a Ghostbuster.
- Did he forget to hit Shift+0 at the end there?
- There’s a contest to win a Phantom Foxy plushie. Even in non-FNAF videos, there’s FNAF.
- I see Winston on the table, why is he not in the title? Why does everybody screw over Winston?
- “After taking the figure out of the packaging, we have a totally awesome looking figure” Nearly 10 years, and he still has a redundancy problem.
- Oh wow, he’s actually talking about the detail of the figure… and he ruins it by pretending to get shocked by the Proton Pack.
- He points out the different hands. If these are anything like the SH Figurarts produced by Bandai, then it’s likely these are used for stop-motion purposes. As in real stop-motion, not the lazy stop-motion Chris does.
- Notices Winston comes with a Ghost Trap, prompting an awful scene with his Boo amiibo.
- “You gotta love old Egon, cause he’s such an egghead. A-heh-heh.” *scene transition* “Wow, gotta love old Egon” HOLY SHIT! NOT EVEN FIVE SECONDS!
- “Glasses and all” Why wouldn’t he come with glasses?
- “Time to hunt some ghosts down in style” You would loooove that Chris, because it would validate all your wasted time and money.
- “This better form into something cool” That’s the point, all the steps that come with each figure form into something. A lot of action figure lines do this.
- Stupid Enderman bit where he gets Dana Barrett
- He tries to put together the rooftop pieces, and gets nothing because he only has five out of 15 pieces, which he acknowledged earlier. Fucking dumb.

Playmobil Carrying Case Barbeque Camping, Soccer Building kit Toy Unboxing Puppet Steve

- Playmobil? Seriously? Who gives a shit about that?
- Same contest
- Stupid voices… stupid cutaways…
- God I forgot how annoying he was…
- The “Puppet Magic” shit is still stupid and makes no sense.
- At least Zombie Steve still calls out his awful jokes.
- Steve calls it the best picnic ever, and the little girl figure (voiced by his step-daughter) says the same thing, and he goes “I just said that!” Chris you are not allowed to make fun of redundancy.
- And of course it ends with Zombie Steve eating the toys. He goes downright Cookie Monster on them.

Five Nights at Freddy's FnaF Pint Sized Heroes FUNKO Foxy Toy Mystery mini's Blind Bag Unboxing

- We got FNAF, that didn’t take long.
- He shows the checklist and mentions “exclusive figures”. You should probably mention they’re Gamestop exclusive since your fans likely can’t read the tiny text, or read at all.
- Apparently Foxy is Zombie Steve’s favorite because he’s a pirate. Whatever…
- And since it’s the Gamestop exclusive Foxy, Zombie Steve passes out over it. This is so dumb…
- Steve whining about duplicates…
- He gets Chica. “We don’t have him yet” ARE YOU SERIOUS? YOU STILL THINK CHICA’S A BOY?! How many of these damn videos have you done? Hell, one of the top rated comments is telling him “Chica’s a girl”. Are you being retarded on purpose Chris? Because that’s not funny.
- Gets a different Foxy and a stupid stop-motion bit happens. Then Zombie Steve puts on an eye patch. His intelligence seems to differ video to video, why is that Chris?
- He gets the Puppet, and Steve says he’s his favorite because they’re both puppets. You would not say that if you ever played FNAF 2, keeping that little bastard asleep while up to 10 different animatronics are trying to kill you is annoying. Especially on the harder difficulties. Again, implying Chris knows anything when it’s clear he doesn’t.
- He spazzes out when the last package is another duplicate. That’s not funny or endearing, it’s worrying.
- He thinks Golden Freddy is rare because he’s not on the checklist. Pretty sure since he comes with every box, he isn’t included. Then again, Foxy comes with the box and he’s in the packaging and on the checklist too. I don’t know, maybe Funko was too busy making more stupid deals to notice.

The Grossery Gang Mushy Slushie Corny Chips S1 Chunky Crunch Shopkins Unboxing Puppet Steve

… Hang on *searches Grossery Gang*. It’s basically Shopkins but the food is gross, like all spoiled or covered in slime. Continuing the idea that boy’s toys are just girl’s toys given a different coat of paint. I thought we got past “boys like gross stuff” in the mid-2000’s?
- New contest, kids could get the FNAF figures from the last video.
- Oh hey, Puppet Alex. Will it be a cameo or a full review?
- Oh, essentially a side-role as Steve shows her the Grossery Gang
- Chris how much money are you spending on this shit?
- Shows a spoiled TV Dinner figure. “I don’t want to eat that, I’ll get sick! A-heh-heh” … That’s the point Chris.
- One of the toys looks like the She-slime from Dragon Quest.
- Puppet Alex seems almost self-aware. I wonder how much input in the “scripts” she has.
- These things are reminding me of Crazy Bones. Remember those?
- He got a bunch of “bugs in ice cubes” figures, and pulls the “bug in ice cube” prank on Puppet Alex and laughs when she sees them. Such a great step-dad. Then Zombie Steve eats the toys…
- He’s just listing now…
- And another video that ends with Zombie Steve eating toys. I don’t think Chris understands how zombies work. They’re flesh-eaters, not extreme omnivores.

My Little Pony MLP Golden Oak Library Playset w/ Zecora, Twilight Sparkle Unboxing Puppet Steve

- This sounds more like a full Puppet Alex video.
- I have to wonder if Steve wrote the “script” since Alex doesn’t know the name of Twilight’s owl (Owlowiscious).
- Most of the video is just Alex bringing up something, Steve interrupting, and Alex yelling at him. This seems less funny and more dysfunctional.
- At one point Alex does the “look at camera and sigh” thing Steve does. … I’m starting to dislike Alex.
- Okay yeah, Chris wrote this. That sounds nothing like Zecora, and apparently she acts as Twilight’s teacher.
- And Zecora makes Steve disappear. Shouldn’t it be Twilight?

Five Nights at Freddy's FnaF NECA Scalers & Light Up Glow in the Dark Unboxing

- More FNAF…
- These are the dumbest toys.
- “To open these up, we’re going to need some scissors! Snip snip snip snip snip snip”  I WILL BURN YOUR TOY COLLECTION!
- “The cool thing about these headphones is that you can hook them up to any electronic device and listen to music” … That’s what headphones are, jackass.
- He tells Zombie Steve that he has no ears. … Neither do you.
- God Zombie Steve is annoying now. Well, more than before.
- So essentially this is stuff you hang on your headphones. … Why?
- Zombie Steve is afraid of the dark? That’s idiotic!
- Hold on, using a FNAF character as a night light? That goes against the idea of FNAF, that they’re scarier in the dark.

Five Nights at Freddy's Fnaf Pop Funko Figures Set Action Figures Unboxing Review

- More fucking FNAF!
- Oh no, Funko Pop. Because this channel wasn’t cancerous enough already.
- “they’re actually kind of cuddly” … No
- … He just said Freddy is the main character of the series, like this is the first FNAF video he’s ever done. He’s made 35. Fuck you.
- So the Nightmare Freddy figure flies out of the box by accident. He calls it a “Puppet Explosion” and shows it in slow-mo with a “Puppet Replay”. Chris, inserting words into everything isn’t a joke! You’ve been doing that before YouTube was even a thing! Cut it out!
- More stupid stop-motion…
- More annoying Zombie Steve…
- “She’s even got a little bib there” THEY REACHED HIM! He finally called Chica a girl! Miracles can happen!
- Really dumb bit where Chica gets angry over the lack of cupcake. I mean wow how is this entertaining?
- Ending on another awful bit.

I will never understand how kids find this entertaining. Even if I was the audience I would think this was stupid.

There is one other thing to bring up.
Silent Spring brought to my attention a recent review for Ghost Hunting 2.0 on Amazon.
Written by Jeaninne Slattery, she gave it 1-star claiming that she’s been scammed. Chris offered a free DVD and after a year and a half, she still hasn’t received it. I do recall Chris offering free DVDs if you purchase his book (can’t remember when or where). Sounds like Chris wasn’t able to keep his end of the bargain. I doubt it’s stock issues either, we all know nobody is buying Chris’ DVDs outside of a tiny minority.

You have an explanation for this Chris? Or are we going to add “scam artist” to your list of crimes?

See you at the end of the month (or February) for more “highlights”.

Saturday, December 31, 2016

IG's Top 8 Worst Moments of 2016

Wooof. 2016 was not a good year, and if you pay attention to the news then you should be familiar with why this year was a mess. Everyone, try to be brave, stay safe, live on and hope things will get better.

As per usual, it’s time to end the year with Chris’ worst moments. However, so little happened this year, a lot of samey stuff that wasn’t interesting. I could only think of 8 moments. Will 2017 have even less?
Possibly since most of his content has just outright died.

8: Why bother with the game? Look at the cool Lego!

IG Neo was the first of the shows to just die. There was literally only one episode of it this year. Lego Dimensions.
The majority of the review was Chris listing off the figures, and saying stupid shit like “The Portal 2 level made no sense and the music was stupid”. He never brought up the gameplay, never mentioning how it differs from the standard Lego games or how it actually uses the portal as part of the game.
It also became clear that Chris didn’t even bother to beat the game. Chris posted the review four months after the game came out and only beat four levels. Going by his PSN account, he still hasn’t bothered to play the rest. It’s not a hard game at all.
Much like Skylanders, Chris cares more for the collection aspect than the gameplay. Hell, he hasn’t even played Skylanders: Imaginators. Or he has but played it on Wii U where there’s no tracking so I don’t know for sure.

Shockingly, people liked it, claiming it was in-depth. Being long doesn’t mean it’s in-depth, he didn’t say anything.

7: Deleting everything won’t save you

For reasons only known to him, Chris deleted a large number of his videos. Not just the sell-out shill videos, but actual content. The majority of his Neo reviews are gone, a ton of his E3 videos, most of the movie reviews. What the hell Chris? Why delete so much? What are you trying to hide?
What’s weird is that there’s still some videos up but the title and  thumbnail changed to be about Pursuit of the Paranormal or Ghost Hunting 2.0. I just noticed this. For example, organize the video list by oldest, one thing you’ll notice is that the Sopranos video he made is gone (why?), but then keep scrolling and you’ll see a 3:46 Pursuit video that was posted 8 years ago. Wait what? Clicking it, and it’s part 1 of his Top 10 Summer Movies of 2008. There’s a lot more too of these too. Guitar Hero Van Halen, his 48 second review of the first Iron Man, some E3 videos, what is the purpose of changing these? Do you think all five of your ghost fans will look through your channel and fall for this click bait? That’s really desperate and stupid.

What is your endgame Chris? You make no sense.

To give you an idea of how bad the deletion is, only 12 videos from this year remain, and I see at least three getting deleted. The Lego Dimensions review mentioned above? Gone! What are your reasons?

6: All I can do is sell out!

Last year, Chris had been making videos where he showcased a product often unrelated to video games. It became clear these were nothing more than paid promotions. Now, a smart YouTube user would put these promotions as part of another video, usually the end. That way the viewer can click off if they don’t care for what they’re hocking.
Chris on the other hand makes single videos, or a long video where he compiles a bunch of shit together. This year he went to 11 and it hurt him hard. Making several tech showcases and looking at disgusting bloatware apps that promise gift cards if you download a bunch of crap and ruin your phone. Fans hated all the selling out, dislike bombing the videos. Chris did not care, he was getting paid, fuck the fans. Hmm, that seems like it’s going to be a theme.

5: BOXES HOLY FUCK!

Chris killed off most of his series, but started a new one and keeps it going because it’s lazy and he gets free stuff.
Box Wars, a show where he unboxes various swag services like Loot Crate. That’s it.
Early on he tried to “spice it up” with editing and wackiness, but eventually he didn’t even bother and now it’s just him showing the contents of 10 different boxes per video. It’s boring! But what do you expect from Chris Bores?
Like the above tech shilling, this is all paid promotion. Only where other channels will sign up for one or two services, Chris check marked ALL OF THEM. Oh and in case you didn’t realize, many of the items are COOL. Seriously, he says “cool” so much that it’s almost a verbal tic. As shown here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AHUb-scBzNc

I don’t get how anyone can find this series entertaining? Because you want to know what’s in the boxes? Most of them are rip-offs, you get crap. Invest your money in something else people.

4: This salty Facebook post

This kind of relates to the tech shilling and boxes.
Earlier this month, Chris posted this on his Facebook.



Woof, it’s almost like he channeled the spirit of DSP or Andrew Dobson. Critical salt levels!
I haven’t posted this yet as I wanted to include in a post about how Chris is making his money. Unfortunately the lead I had on it ran cold. But if what I‘m told is true, Chris won‘t do Patreon or services everyone else does and would rather sell video space to product creators so he can make tech “reviews” and Box Wars. Because that somehow makes more sense?
Chris, it’s clear you haven’t made real money on YouTube in years (at least not through IG). It’s also clear that people stopped watching you. You lost focus and instead of trying to make the channel grow or change, you gave up. Don’t cry about it, you’ll come off like DSP, who never shuts up about the views he gets (or doesn’t get).
And yeah, Chris’ views are abysmal. His latest (another shitty tech showcase) only has 13k views in two weeks. Wooooow. How the mighty have fallen indeed. Looks like Guru Larry was right to put you in his “forgotten YouTube gamers” list. You shouldn’t have pushed people away.

3: The final episode and you end with a tired NES joke

Only two regular Irate Gamer episodes were posted this year, the second one might be the finale. We’ll see.

I can’t imagine he planned to end the show here because it was awful.
The game he looked at was Duck Hunt. Now how do you make a 6 minute video on such a simple game? You shoot ducks, you shoot clay pigeons, and the dog laughs if you miss. That’s the whole game! But somehow Chris managed to pad it out. All so he could tell the same tired joke about how much of a dick the dog is. Something people have been making jokes about for YEARS! Hell, he already did that in his Jaws review where he killed the dog for “HUR HUR RANDOM”.
But nooo he has to make it a show. He has to chase the dog through a bunch of games with some of the worst green screen ever. How anyone says this sequence was good I don’t know. But he doesn’t just shoot the dog, no he has to go to the Pit in Mortal Kombat and upper-cut him into it for a Fatality because REFERENCES!

What a wet fart of a possible ending.

2: The complete cutting off of Irate Gamer

I mentioned above that the Duck Hunt episode might be his last one. The evidence piled up hard. The biggest being the channel going from Irate Gamer to CB Network, and the focus away from video games to ghosts and shilling. Basically, no content because ghosts aren’t real and shilling is empty.
He also stated on his site that Season 5 is the last one. Again, we’ll see.
Now why is this one the worst moments list? Surely this is a good thing?
I’m speaking for his fans, how he left them out to dry without giving a clue. Sure, he stated on Facebook that he retired, but when people in the YouTube comments point this out, they get deleted. Why he doesn’t want his YouTube audience to know I can’t say. Perhaps he’s hoping they stick around and not unsubscribe in droves? Toooo late, he’s been bleeding subs for a while.
At one point, he did throw around the idea of a Kickstarter to fund Season 6. I questioned this as his show is uber low budget and he already has the games (or he’ll likely just emulate them). But then he just said “screw it, I don’t care if you want to fund it, fuck the fans”.

Chris ended the Irate Gamer without any fanfare, he just let it quietly die. Leaving his fans to wonder “what are you doing?” Give them something Chris, something of substance, something worth sending your show out on. Perhaps you should have done that with the retarded Power Rangers episodes.

Maybe he hoped nostalgia would kick in? Next year it will be 10 years since he started the Irate Gamer. Thing is, I don’t think that will happen. I’ve heard far too many fan testimonies that they liked him when they were younger, forgot about him, then looked back with a more critical eye and realized “Why did I like this to begin with?” The 12 year olds just stopped coming, and went to other (better) content creators.

But for all I know, he’ll come back and pretend like he never left. Then again… he found something that managed to make him money with the least amount of effort possible.

1: New show, new audience, fuck the old fans

Soooo what has happened to Chris to completely and utterly (try to) stop the Irate Gamer? He found something lazier.
At the beginning of the year, Chris started a new channel for the “Marty and Muffin Show”, a puppet show where he “reviews” toys. Marty and Muffin were very quickly tossed aside when he realized he could exploit one of the most popular games in the world for profit. Enter Minecraft Puppet Steve.
Portraying a puppet based on the default avatar from Minecraft, Chris “reviews” toys. By which he describes the toy, makes stupid jokes, has wacky shit happen, and says it’s cool. Early in the channel’s life, he did the same “throw everything and see what sticks” method he used in 2015 when he did multiple videos a week. Doing things like movie reviews and trailer reactions, neither of which he does now. Chris would eventually find his audience not with Minecraft toys (no that would be obvious) but Five Nights at Freddy’s toys. I have no idea where he’s getting the views, his subscriber and view count is way off. Is it little kids that aren’t allowed to have YouTube accounts yet? I’ve seen at least one comment where they admit they’re five years old.

Despite starting in January, I wouldn’t learn about this channel until August. Chris did a good job keeping it secret for that long. But that raises a question, why did he keep it secret? Why not tell his fanbase of at least 160k subscribers? It’s likely Chris didn’t want those fans, he wanted new fans, dumber fans, five year olds that will watch anything no matter the quality. For a while he deleted any and all comments on his Facebook asking about Puppet Steve. Eventually he subtly caved by adding it to his “Other Channels” section on “CB Network”. But he hasn’t outright said it’s him or told his fans to check it out.

So it’s meant for kids, is it at least good for them? Oh god no. Chris is under the belief that since he’s making something for kids, he doesn’t have to put in any effort. As I said, the reviews are not reviews, they’re unfunny comedy bits that seem more like Chris showing off his collection rather than informing his audience.  Kids have a million options for entertainment, and this is among the worst.
Chris also believes that since it’s for kids, he can write like he’s a kid. His usual redundancy and captain obvious shtick is still intact here. It’s also clear he knows nothing about the franchises he covers, especially Five Nights at Freddy’s (and that’s his main thing somehow).

And get this, Steve is far more annoying than the Irate Gamer. Steve is an egocentric dick that has to constantly crow on how awesome he is and how he’s soooo cool and all the other toys are lame compared to him. If you have to claim you’re cool, you’re not. Yet somehow the kids love this!

It also became clear that all the tech product shilling was likely done just to fund this channel. Good luck trying to get the word out to his fans, Chris will delete delete delete.

I could fill an entire list with moments from Puppet Steve (that Deathstroke video… *shudders*) but there lies another problem with the series, it’s beyond formulaic. Nearly every video is the same. Steve shows the toy, Zombie Steve says something, he talks about the toy with as little detail as possible, wacky jokes, the toy comes to life, wacky jokes, end on a wacky joke. It all runs together.
Sometimes there’s a change. Like Chris will bring his step-daughter on to voice Puppet Alex (based on the other default skin in Minecraft) so she can review girl toys. This is actually preferable because “Alex” sounds like she knows what she’s talking about, and wants to review things. I think Chris got offended by my preference for her as she hasn’t appeared in a while. I thought “busy with school”, but she’s like 7 and they have weekends.
He also did a couple gameplay videos. One on Lego Dimensions where he clearly didn’t know how to play, and one on Five Nights at Freddy’s Sister Location, which he never finished. Smooth.
Otherwise, most of the videos are the same and it’s boring.

Somehow, he gets lots and lots and lots of views. Apparently kid channels like this are really popular. If this is what Chris wants to do, then he needs to put in effort. Like Irate Gamer, kids will not look back on this fondly. They’ll rewatch it when they’re older and realize “this is the dumbest thing ever”. Chris can’t grow if he continues to half-ass it, just like the Irate Gamer. History repeats.

And so, 2016 comes to a close. I know people are constantly wondering if I’m done. … I don’t know. All depends on what stupid shit Chris does next. He could actually release his announced second book, I could get info from someone close to him that leads to some really big answers, Puppet Steve might actually evolve behind “same shit different toy”.

I leave with one more piece of advice for Chris. Make sure the news you read is true, check your sources, don’t fall for obviously fake stories.

Saturday, December 10, 2016

Bores Continues to Use "CB Network" Just to Shill

Bores actually posted two videos yesterday. Unfortunately it's all paid promotion with no actual content.
First video is some hard drive, and the title he wrote for it is like a 10 in "shameless clickbait".
Western Digital NEXT GENERATION of HARDDRIVES!
Yeaaaah I don't buy it. Chris seems to understand his remaining fans hate these videos as comments are disabled.
Second video is another Box Wars. Yawn.
What's weird about these videos (and the previous Box Wars) is that he's filming them at a different angle. Instead of sitting in front of his posters, he's sitting in front of his game shelves. Did he remove the posters on the wall? Too bad Chris is incapable of communication like a normal YouTube user.
The comments on the Box Wars are open, but seems Chris is modding them hard. I noticed one user with an AkaNinger avatar (Shuriken Sentai Ninninger) who was yelling at everyone that "CHRIS IS RETIRED, STOP BEING MEAN!" because people kept asking for real content. However, all those comments are gone now. Is Chris trying to hide from his YouTube fans that he's retired? Pick a position and stick with it!

I have to wonder if "CB Network" is going to only be active in October. Despite his claims to the contrary, Chris really doesn't seem dedicated to ghost hunting, and only seems to talk about around Halloween. What is he doing the rest of the year? Well, besides buying plastic crap and making the same video again and again and again and again and again and again and this is why I barely talk about Puppet Steve.

Speaking of, over there we find more fucking FNAF. Another Minecraft video. A look at Harley Quinn statue that's from Arkham City, but because Chris is desperate for clicks like a Buzzfeed whore, he puts Suicide Squad in the title. It's just sad at this point.
All the Lego Dimensions Adventure Time figures, because fuck the rest of Wave 6 & 7.
And... I am not kidding, Emoji toys. Not the characters from that upcoming animated movie produced by Sony, but actual figures based on the Emojis you find in your phones. This reeks of "How do you do fellow kids?"
"Easter Egg" is in the title, which apparently he calls it that because he has an "Easter Egg" box. ... No that doesn't make sense! Ugh... Chris really is a moron...

But that's not the most recent video. The newest is more fucking FNAF.
It's not even new toys, it's about toys that aren't even out yet. Holy shit! It's like Chris is thinking "FNAF is the only thing that gives me views, I need to milk it more and more, I don't care how vapid and stupid it is!"
In the video he says "We're one of the top YouTube channels that talks about the McFarlane Five Nights at Freddy's toys!" Chris still loves his overly narrow superlatives. Just like how he tried to show his book was a success with narrow Amazon categories. Can someone actually check on Chris? I don't think he's mentally doing well.

That's about it from me. Should probably work on the year end list, if I even have anything to write about.

Tuesday, November 29, 2016

End of November Update

Sooo... how are you guys holding up? You doing alright?

Things have been quiet on Irate Ga- I mean "CB Network" front. Nothing has been posted since his Toledo Airport "ghost hunt" on Halloween. He's been surprisingly active on Facebook, posting awful political image macros that show his dependence on fake news (which has now become a real problem). As well as an edit of Excitebike's box art with Pee-wee Herman as he goes "HUR HUR ONLY 80'S KIDS WILL GET THIS". Fuck you Chris, it's bad enough when people do that "only 90's kids will get this" garbage, we don't need you doing it with the 80's! Also, Pee-wee's Big Adventure is not an obscure movie.

Puppet Steve on the other hand has been very active.
More FNAF, more Peppa Pig that he won't disclose is a brand deal, a Lego Star Wars video where he misspells Rogue One in the title and STILL HASN'T FIXED IT! The entire video is nothing but "ME BLOW THINGS UP ME FUNNY".
He actually did another Minecraft video. A video on the new Trolls movie (well, the toys related to it). The Lego Dimensions Fantastic Beasts Story Pack, but only the set. I think after we exposed his PSN account he's too scared to do more gameplay videos. Either that or he's lazy.
A video on Muppet toys which I imagine are old since the Muppets are essentially a dead franchise now (Most Wanted bombed, new TV show cancelled).

He does do an amiibo video... kind of. I want you to read this fucking video title. "Thanksgiving Christmas exclusive Boo Amiibo Skylanders jingle bell choppy mage chicken lego Unboxing"
What in the name of word salad word vomit is this garbage?
The video itself has him claim the Boo amiibo is Halloween related. It's not. It came out along the other six figures in Super Mario Wave 2. I think he wanted to talk about the Christmas themed Jingle Bell Chompy Mage Skylander but felt that wasn't enough content? I don't know, Chris' thought process is just baffling now.
He also makes some clear rookie mistakes involving Skylanders, like noting how his in-game apparance matches the toy. No shit. He also misspells the name in the title as "Choppy Mage" instead of Chompy. Looking it up, the Chompy Mage has been around since Giants, and the Chompy itself since the first game. Chris just seems to have trouble with the English language in general.
If you're wondering why Lego is mentioned, he wanted Lego Dimensions to do something Thanksgiving related and shows a mini-fig of a guy in a chicken suit unrelated to the game. Does Chris not understand that Dimensions relies entirely on licensed properties and holiday themed stuff would be difficult to do?

Speaking of Skylanders, reports are beginning to circulate that the series maybe done for. Imaginators sold poorly, the Netflix cartoon isn't getting many views, and they're having trouble moving the figures. This post on NeoGAF does a decent job explaining how it happened.
Basically, Activision got greedy. It happened with Guitar Hero, and it's likely going to happen with Skylanders.  This only leaves Lego Dimensions to carry the Toys-to-Life mantle (and amiibo but they're more a multi-purpose tool at the moment, unless Nintendo has a big game planned for Switch).
Looks like Chris lost a major source of income if this ends up true. Granted, he can probably whore himself out to more and more FNAF and Jazwares crap.

Think we'll get something of substance in December? We will see.