E3 is over, it’s probably going to be a long while before Bores makes anything new.
I’m so very very very sorry for taking so long with this redux recap. Last one I did was in January, man sometimes I’m as bad as Bores.
Before I get into the video, there’s something I need to address, it’s also part of the reason I held off on this. The AVGN movie. It’s about E.T. on the Atari 2600, and from the sounds of it, it’ll be about the legendary New Mexico burial. Since the popular thing now is to call James the worst person on the planet, and shower Bores with praise (no idea how this happened), I was a bit weary… But screw those guys, here’s my piece on this.
First off, he’s not “ripping off” IG by talking about E.T. It’s been classified as one of the worst games ever made, tons of people have talked about it. Also, the plot of the movie isn’t even that original, X-Play did it years ago as a parody of “Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas”. Though I imagine James’ bigger budget and additional cast will tell a better story (he even got Howard Scott Warshaw, that’s impressive).
That’s all I really have to say about this.
Onto the video! Part 1!
0:18 - 1:40: The video opens on the “New Mexico Desert”. That has to be the greenest, most lush desert I have ever seen! So many trees, and so little dirt. … We’re in trouble already.
We see IG holding a shovel and walking about this *pfft* “desert” looking for something. After a while, he finds a random spot and starts digging. How did he know this was the spot? It looks just like every other part of the “desert”.
After another while, he hits something and comes across some well-preserved copies of E.T. for the Atari 2600. The sad part about this scene? He bought 4-5 copies and purposely buried them just to do it.
Here’s some trivia about the New Mexico burial. It wasn’t just E.T. that was buried there, Atari had a multitude of unsold games that went in along with it. E.T. is just well known because it was likely the largest amount they had. But that doesn’t mean it’s rare, it still sold millions to consumers who didn’t have the means to learn this was a rushed pile of garbage.
Also, the cartridges were crushed. If you dug them up, you’d just find a ton of broken plastic. Plus, I doubt you can easily dig it up with a single shovel in a few minutes.
Then again, there are people that claim the burial isn’t even real so what do I know?
The scene ends with Bores holding up multiple cartridges to the camera while giving another look of “WHY WON’T THE EX-LAX WORK”
1:41 - 2:34: The review part begins with IG talking about the movie and bringing up the scene where E.T. almost dies. Rather random scene to bring up. It’s been years since I’ve seen it but don’t most people remember other scenes? Like the bicycle over the moon, Elliot’s little sister seeing E.T. for the first time, Halloween night. Just saying…
Oh, it was a set-up to a transition to the game. “There was another reason that would end up making fans cry even more”. Cry? No. Unbelievably angry that they paid money for a broken mess? Absolutely.
He goes into some history, noting how the end result was what people call the “Worst Video Game in History”, with big red text to emphasize this. Well, ONE OF the worst in history, but THE worst is subjective. Besides, E.T. can’t be the worst on the 2600 considering the lack of quality control and licensing, with companies like Quaker and Pedigree releasing games. It’s only called that because it was based on a popular movie, it was made by Atari, a lot of people bought it, saw how bad it was, and that’s how it got that title
Then he brings up how up the game was made in six weeks, compared to normal production time of 3-4 months.
2:34 - 3:01: “After releasing E.T., people were so confused and frustrated by the game…” Wait a sec, did he say frustrated correctly? Hallelujah, there is hope! See Chris, speech lessons are a good thing. Maybe next time you can say “flaws” without adding a second “L”.
He mentions how lots of people returned the game, and that Atari buried them in the desert. Showing the lush, green “desert” from earlier. Just because you used this field as a desert for your opening sketch, doesn’t mean it’s an actual desert. Ohio doesn’t even have a desert. And again, Atari buried more than just E.T.
“And since I just happen to figure out the secret location that these things were buried in” No, I’m not going tell you how I figured it out. Shut up.
“Time to dust off the old Atari, and see how bad this game really is” See see, I have an Atari guys! I’m so a gamer!
3:02 - 4:37: IG starts the game and points out E.T.’s goofy smiling face on the title screen.
“Now I’m not sure what a shit-eating grin looks like, but if I had to guess, this would be it.” No, that is not a shit-eating grin. Look up a picture of Bobby Kotick if you want to see one. Or just some of your later videos, you really pull it off well.
He explains the game, how you need to find three telephone pieces by falling into one of the many holes, but there’s a lot of holes so you need to do a lot of searching.
“This piss-poor attempt at trying to add strategy to a game” Strategy? This sounds more like luck, there’s no strategy to randomly generated telephone pieces in different holes every time.
He brings up the question mark at the top that tells you which pit has a phone piece, then goes into how getting out of the hole is a pain. Followed by a montage of him trying to get out of various holes. I’ve looked it up and what you do is move left or right, not up. Pressing up puts you back in the hole. Not blaming Bores here, just the poor programming.
4:38 - 5:22: “If that wasn’t frustrating enough” He said right again! Oh man, so good that he finally gets it right and he’ll never mispronounce it again. Right? …. Right?
He talks about the FBI agent and scientist that go afteryou. Interestingly enough, you can get rid of these two if you play “Game 3” instead of “Game 1” or “Game 2”. I’m surprised Bores didn’t try the Easy mode considering that’s his go-to default for getting the review portion out of the way since that’s the “boring” part to him.
Some more forced anger, and then he runs out of health and dies (not a timer Chris)
5:23 - 5:49: “Well I’ve had it! This is absolutely the worst game I’ve ever played in my life!” And I’m totally serious, I’m not bandwagon-jumping at all! I’m not baiting for views because someone else wouldn’t review the game. Nope, totally serious about this.
He yells that E.T. should go find his own fucking way home and throws his controller. Suddenly, the movie’s theme starts playing as the camera zooms in on the cartridge and Bores attempts “acting” by looking sad. He decides to try again.
I’m curious if that music is on the DVD version. I would know but someone that said he would send me copies never did. Thanks a lot.
5:50 - 6:19: IG tries again in a fast-paced scene of him going through him, at one point cutting to him. Jeez, how do you do fake playing on an Atari 2600 controller? It’s like you’re doing that on purpose. It’s certainly not convincing anyone.
He collects the complete phone, calls the Mothership and waits. But then the scientist shows up and takes him away. You should have learned about Game 3.
Part 1 ends with IG yelling out “Mothersucker Doublefucker”… whatever that means and yells at the cartridge again, promising to make it wish he was never born. That would require some time travel to 1982 and… oh never mind.
Then there’s a knock at the door, it’s the FBI. Ah good timing, this person is trying to profit off of lies by pretending he’s something he’s not, and stealing from people to do it! Actually, they’re there because IG stole the games from… the… burial. Ooooh dear lord the stupid.
Chris, if someone throws away an item, it’s officially public property. That couch you put on the curb? Someone can take it and there would be no legal repercussions. If it was actually possible to dig up the New Mexico burial, I don’t think Atari or the god damn FBI would mind that you stole from them. However, there’s a reason he included that knock, and oh boy is it terrible.
IG gloats that the FBI are going to take him away, but then the theme starts up again and he attempts acting sad again. What’s even happening here? How does the music somehow make him sad and forgiving of the cartridge? Is it somehow capable of puppy dog eyes? If that’s the case, I don’t think people would be so quick to return the game. It’s not a living alien, it’s a piece of plastic!
Is this supposed to be a reference to the movie? I haven’t seen it in years, and I don’t have access to it so I can’t watch and confirm it.
Because of this power that makes zero sense, IG decides to help it escape. We then get his attempt at the bicycle escape scene from the movie, combining real footage of him bike-riding and green-screen footage of him bike-riding. He somehow loses the FBI, and then asks E.T. to make him fly. It’s plastic! This is so god damn stupid!
And because it’s plastic, IG just rams right into a nearby dumpster. Because using a bicycle’s brakes would be too logical, and logic is dead.
IG falls right next to two different E.T. games. Were those just waiting on the ground for someone to pick them up? If someone tried to dispose them, they missed the dumpster. Unless the implication is that he hit the dumpster so hard that the games flew out, but that wouldn’t make sense, and if that was the case why didn’t he show that? Going idea no what‘s I on have. Part 1 over.
Part 2 was actually released at the same time because MONEY so I’ll talk about it right now.
0:03 - 0:25: Since it’s part 2, there’s no intro. Right into the madness.
IG mentions that E.T. got such a beating that nobody dared touch the franchise. That or nobody cared as there was no reason to release an E.T. game during the third, fourth or fifth generations. What would a Super Nintendo E.T. game even be? Probably just a clunky platformer.
“But almost 20 years later, Nintendo took the plunge” Wrong! Both games you’re going to look at were published by NewKidCo, Nintendo had nothing to do with their creation. In fact, both games were made to coincide with the movie’s 20th anniversary and re-release to cinemas (that was the infamous one that replaced guns with walkie-talkies, something Spielberg promises won’t be on the Blu-Ray release). Also, there was a PlayStation 1 game. Are you going to talk about that? Nope!
“They decided to release a few E.T. titles for the Game Boy Advance” Wait for it…
“The first one we’re going to look at is called E.T. and the Cosmic Garden” That’s not a GBA game, that’s a Game Boy Color game. There’s a huge difference!
“Time to plug in the Game Boy Advance Player to the bottom of the Gamecube…” It’s just “Game Boy Player”, no Advance. Also, I think you’d find it easier if you actually plugged in your Gamecube, and had a controller connected.
0:26 - 1:19: IG explains the objective is maintaining a garden, and immediately writing it off as a piece of shit. I don’t know, it looks okay to me. Just a quick garden sim, nothing in-depth like Harvest Moon.
He points out that you need to fertilize the plants using your pet’s fecal matter, and is aghast by the fact you play with shit. You mean a game about gardening has fertilizer, something that’s very important to maintaining a healthy garden? My mind is so blown that it’s on the other side of the room! … Ugh.
He also points out you actually see his pet take a dump. How else would you know there’s fertilizer available?
After keeping your plants alive, he goes to the next stage and complains that gardening is the only thing you do in the game. What else is he supposed to do? It’s called “E.T. and the Cosmic Garden”, plus this clearly reeks of rush-job. Just like this review.
Also, no mention of the music? The only video clip I found shows it has awful music.
“Cosmic Garden should be shit out of a cosmic asshole” What’s a cosmic asshole? Never mind. First game done.
1:20 - 1:57: He moves onto E.T. for the GBA. What’s that in his first controller port? That doesn’t look like the Wavebird’s receiver, it looks third-party.
The first mission is to collect flowers that are spread apart pretty far. He decides to pause for a moment… with the Super Mario Bros. 3 pause sound effect. Something that’s obviously not in the game. We’re not stupid Chris, just pause the footage if you want to discuss something, no need to waste time searching out Mario sound effects just for that.
The reason he paused is ask the audience how E.T. defends himself, giving three choices. Since this joke was taken from an episode of Garfield and Friends, and likely many other cartoons/bad comedies the answer is obviously the last one. Ugh.
1:58 - 2:20: He moves onto the next level, a maze full of FBI agents. He says don’t let them catch you they’ll force E.T. to … give them a blowjob. Then it shows what looks like that, even though it‘s just an agent shaking him. This is why having an audience of kids hurts you, by explaining the joke to them, you kill the joke!
We also cut to a grimacing IG doing more of his awful fake-playing with… what the hell kind of third party controller is that? You really couldn’t find a Wavebird, or even a regular controller?
He complains that later objectives in the game stop being “fun” and start being stupid. Stupid you say?
2:21 - 2:52: He pauses again (same out-of-place Mario sound) to explain why he needs to run around the “neighborhood”. Neighborhood? That looks like a house!
He once again gives a multiple choice question, and since he’s predictable it’s C. I really wonder what the point of this “joke” was. What purpose does it serve other than slowing down the video?
So you have an issue with collecting P-Blocks but not with collecting flowers? Man, you’d hate… just about every MMORPG ever.
“I guess logic really has no place here” That’s exactly how I describe your videos.
“And I can tell that by all the P(ee) and poop found in these games” More toilet humor. Remind me how he’s better for “not” using it?
He also points out that there’s a toilet in the GBA game. Yes, how dare they put a toilet in what’s obviously a bathroom. Screw accuracy, every bathroom in media MUST be like The Brady Bunch! I WILL NOT ALLOW TOILETS!
“What do you expect me to do, wipe my ass?” *points to above statement about accuracy*
2:53 - 3:14: We cut to IG saying it’s ridiculous and … if they want toilets so bad he’ll give them a toilet. What? How do they want toilets? What does that mean?
He removes the cartridge, goes to his bathroom, and, I’m not kidding, actually flushes it down the toilet. You just ruined a perfectly good game, good job you asshole. Be glad it’s not a rare game either otherwise you’ll have collectors tearing you apart. As for its quality, the reviews I’ve seen say it’s hit-or-miss, the common complaint being the overly hard difficulty. Hmm, wonder why Bores didn’t mention that.
The video ends with IG noting that the other two games are too big to flush so he plans to blow them up. Before he puts the Atari game in the box, he looks at it again and finds some fine print about phoning home with a 555 number. I remember back when comments were enabled, people would claim they tried calling that number. People need to realize 555 numbers aren’t meant to be called, they’re fake ones used in various media so real people don’t get called if a real number is mentioned. Just ask all the people that had the number 867-5309 in the 80’s. Sorry, got off on a tangent.
IG refuses, but then the theme music plays again and we go through this bit one last time. For those playing at home, take a shot for rule of three use.
He gives in and calls the Mothership, threatening to pick them up or he’ll blow them up. He puts the Atari game in the box with the bomb still inside. Gee, I wonder if he’ll keep his promise.
Later that night, he goes outside and sees the Particle Illusion spotlight effec- I MEAN the Mothership. Hang on, that’s the same effect as the Roswell scene in the Chris & Scottie Road Trip. Considering how long he reused that same explosion, this really shouldn’t be a surprise. But three years?
The Mothership picks up the box with Star Trek technology and flies off. IG starts having memories about the game, but then they turn to bad memories, leading to scrunchy face! Why is he thinking about the GBA game? It’s not in the box, he flushed that.
So IG… blows up the ship. Our hero everyone! Blowing up innocent aliens over a bad game. Such a role model! Then he gives a smug nod to the camera.
Before the video cuts, he actually gives a special thanks to someone. Captain Chuck of ClipCritics for voicing the FBI agent. Checking their channel, they abuse the thumbnail system by using half-naked women. Classy. What’s interesting is that they made a tag video four years ago, and one of them was the Irate Gamer.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rmPQhtGAXt0 Warning, contains horrible gay joke in the beginning, and horribleness for the rest of the video.
Terrible, just terrible. Despite reviewing three games, this had a rushed feeling to it. Especially in the last two where he barely went into detail. Plus, his bandwagon jumping about this being the worst game he’s ever played. I wonder what his answer to that question is now, if he even remembers reviewing this game at all.
Dumb sketches, awful jokes, as par for the course.
I hope to get the next Redux Recap out much sooner (again, I’m very very sorry). I’ll cover his review of Harvey Birdman: Attorney at Law.
Here in the present, Bores posted yet another contest video. Giving away necklaces from Tribal Hollywood, a jewelry store for men. Like I said last time, this is the type of stuff douchebags wear.
